The Some Celestial Event Series
by marySLYTHERINsue
Summary: In a desperate attempt to find true love before she hits her mid-thirties, a quirky Mary Sue becomes ensnared in a hopeless love tangle with Vampire Hunter D, Sirius Black and Alucard.


**The Some Celestial Event Series**

**Part One: No Moon**

_Note: This story features an intentional Mary Sue, and is intended solely for sarcastic humor. It will also feature quite a few crossovers. The title of this series is a play on the Twilight titles. Twilight will crop up now and again, but for the most part the main crossovers will be Vampire Hunter D, Harry Potter and Hellsing. _

* * *

**Chapter One: By the Carpathians**

"_And life is for the alive my dear so lets keep living it, just keep living it, really living it…..AHHHH AHHH AHHHHHHHH!!!!"- Final Scene. Sweeney Todd_

"Oh no! No no no no no no no. HELL NO! There is no way in FREAKING HELL that I am going to marry THAT!" I raged to the cloaked figure that was gloating savagely at my outrage. I was pointing my finger in the direction of the hubby that the figure intended for me.

Make no mistake, this intended hubby was drop dead, slit your wrists and die gorgeous. He was ridiculously tall, well muscled, and clothed entirely in black. His skin was as pale as moonlight. He possessed a narrow face with angular, sensual features, fathomless black eyes and his wavy black hair fell down to his ass. Crowning this image of dark beauty was the fact that he was wearing silver jewelry studded with sapphire, ruby and amethyst, and he wore more eyeliner than myself…and that's a feat seeing as I am an aging emo/goth that just refuses to let the "fad" go.

So then what's wrong with this picture?

Well look a little closer. See his pointy ears? See the huge ass sword slung across his back? Notice that ridiculously oversized hat that looks like a reject for the Pizza Hut logo? The reason for crappy husband potential is obvious. This is Vampire Hunter D.

D was glaring steadily at the cloaked form before us…or rather the God before us. This would be Nyarlathotep, a very nasty deity from the world of H.P Lovecraft. Why Vampire Hunter D, Nyarlathotep and an emo Mary Sue are standing in the 21st century world that you know is unimportant for the moment. For now let's just focus on my Mary/Angsty Sue moment.

'I will not marry this woman." D said in his usual robotic, dispassionate voice.

"You see that!" I cried staring the down the God as fiercely as I could. It was very disconcerting to be looking at nothing in the Gods shadowed face.

"I have been "hunting" with this guy for THREE years (I held up three fingers, as if the terrifying necromantic god was incapable of understanding the word "three.") And I am still just "that woman" to him! I am not even worthy of him saying "Victoria"!"

Cloaky seemed to chuckle at my pain, "Oh Victoria….don't tell me that you haven't desired this man. I would think you would welcome this joyous union!"

"Desire, sure! I'd love to just fuck him like crazy. But there is a big difference between doing that and a life with him! You couldn't PAY me to marry him!"

Cloaky hissed with laughter, "My terms are clear. He has angered me in killing the vampire that guarded this temple, but a marriage between you two "love birds" would appease my anger. That would please me more than anything else now, to see you two marry and live together as one." He cackled with laughter.

"Not gonna happen!" I cried out, "Don't you fucking in get it I cannot STAND him! I've seen wallpaper with more emotion than him. Do we look like a match made in heaven?'

"Do I look like a god of the heavens?" Cloaky responded, "Your pathetic pain does please me so, I am anxious to see how this union plays out. If you two do not marry within 48 hours, than I will awaken Cthulhu."

I could not deny that a shiver of fear ran through my spine at the sound of that bloodthirsty, yet fascinating Lovecraftian god, that appeared like a giant, land dwelling squid. "Well…you better bring on the overgrown Squidward, because it ain't gonna happen!"

* * *

**One Day Later**

_Kill me….Kill me now._

This was so not the wedding I envisioned myself having. Honestly I'd never pictured myself actually married, but I had dreamed of a wedding. Me in an elaborate black dress, with blood red roses. A gorgeous, black clad groom who was some faceless love of my life. Corpse Bride vows. Rings. A full moon. Halloween. A ridiculously gothic cake I'd made myself. About four guests. A lot of candles.

What any Goth dreams really.

But this was not it. I was honestly a bit surprised to find myself and D here in a church. Indeed he seemed to be glaring at the huge golden cross the priest was wearing in disgust…much the same way his icy eyes were now glancing at me. I shrank back from that ever enthralling and utterly disturbing stare.

For some reason I'd gone to a half assed length to prepare for this dreadful occasion, and was now wearing a wedding dress. My Corpse Bride costume wedding dress that is, and had gothed my face out more so than usual. I'd even picked a red rose for the occasion. Already it was wilting in death, and the thorns had torn and bruised my palm. My ever so pleasant hubby - to- be on the other hand didn't do shit to prepare for this "occasion." He was wearing his usual vaguely gothic and yet ridiculous apparel, if he wasn't so freaking tall I'd have to be ducking beneath the insane span of that hat. Perhaps Goths in the 121st century wore such stupid apparel, but this was the 21st century!

I stared sadly up at the babbling minister. I couldn't understand half of what he was saying. I wasn't sure if that was because he hardly spoke English or because it was just religious ramblings. At least the church was vast and utterly beautiful. We were in Romania after all.

The next words the minister spoke where quite clear though, "Do you Victoria Swan take this man to be your lawfully wedding husband?"

_**Sigh**_! This MAN? That's a lose term. That's a vampire. Or well the technical term is dhampir: half vampire, half human. But I've yet to see anything human at all about this animated wallpaper I am about to take as mine. Sure he can walk in the sun, and doesn't appear to have any interest in biting anyone, but human? Humans have wants, desire and feelings. Humans fall in love. Humans feel pain. The only thing that reflected a hint of ANYTHING about this man was his eyes. They appeared utterly sad, but were lifeless all the same.

The minister was staring hard at me, oh that's right…I am supposed to be marrying this pretty statue.

"I do-hooo!" I sang, Mrs. Lovett style. I might as well have a bit of fun seeing as I hate this marriage already.

The Minister laughed, mistaking my song as enthusiasm.

"And do you Dracula Murray, take this woman your lawfully wedded wife?"

I saw a look of utter distaste cross his usually expressionless face, and then he briefly nodded. Awwww just like Sweeney Todd! Charming.

Ah….Dracula Murray. I had thought that might be his real name seeing as he supposedly the son of Dracula and Mina Murray/Harker. Man, they made one fucked up little monkey.

"…You may kiss the bride."

Oh….that thing. I turned mechanically to face him, and leaned forward expectantly. This was going to be interesting. Our first kiss. D seemed completely off guard by this, a vague notion of almost fear flashed across his lifeless face, than he slightly moved forward. His whole body seemed to be resisting him as he neared me; it looked like his lips did not even know how to do such a thing. For maybe three nano seconds I felt his cold lips against mine.

Well…there we have it. Man and Wife. Woo-freaking-hoo.

* * *

Complete breakdown of dimensional walls. That had been the huge event that everyone was raging was going to happen in 2012. When 2012 rolled about everyone was freaking out that SOMETHING was going to happen. I personally thought nothing would so I was shocked as all hell on December 21, 2012 while wondering through the Austin streets I found myself face to face with a chubby child wearing an aluminum covered box that said " Awesome- O." It was none other than Eric Cartman of Southpark.

At midnight of that day the walls between the realities crumbled and bleed into the world we know now. At first it was scary, but it lasted only a few days before the walls came back up. But by that time millions of characters we thought only to be fiction were living amongst us.

There was an insane amount of vampires running around the world. And following them where all the best Vampire Hunters. Professor Van Helsing. Anita Blake. Buffy Summers. Alucard. Seras Victoria. And of course Vampire Hunter D. These people were getting paid millions just to put a splinter in some demons chest, so naturally the job attracted plenty of amateurs, like myself.

I first ran into the big D when my practically loaded boyfriend hired him to keep me safe as I went through my "vampire hunter phase" as he called it. Perhaps it should have lasted two days. I wish it had.

During my second night of patrolling me and D ran into a nasty gang of vampires in a graveyard. A huge fight ensued, in which of course D did most of the ass kicking while I struggled to hold a stake. And then with two thugs left to go D suddenly collapsed unconscious right in the middle of the fight.

"Oh shit…" I cursed as I recalled that D didn't seem to be fighting at his usual lightening fast pace. D collapsing like that could only mean one thing, he'd fallen to a random sunsickness attack. It must have been pretty bad for it strike him full force at night.

The two remaining vamps made to destroy him, I probably should have let them, but all I could see at the time was one of my favorite literary characters about to get his ass killed, so I acted. I guess it was just blind rage that allowed me to dust their asses. But by the time I dragged D back to my car, and back to my apartment the rage was gone, that took me a good two hours.

Around noon the next day he woke up and spoke to me for the first time in his slow, hard voice. "You protected me. I am in your debut. I'll do anything that you ask."

I couldn't have asked for a million zillion dollars. I could not have asked just to fuck him stupid and let me end this stupid fascination I have with him? Oh no. I asked him to show me how to be Vampire Hunter.

Dumbass.

A few times over the next three years he would randomly show up at my doorstep and haul me off to Romania, England, Japan or any other vamp infested place and for a good few months he would train me relentlessly.

To be honest it wasn't so bad, even if we never had a casual conversation. I knew I was hopelessly pathetic, but he never discouraged me in the least. I seemed to at least get a hint of appreciation from trying.

And here we are….sitting in this car with him driving and doing an Oscar worthy performance of a brick wall. I was staring numbly out the window at the gorgeous, wild Romanian scenery nestled within the Carpathian Mountains. The country was overwhelmed with vampires. The people were superstitious beyond belief. There wasn't a damn thing to do, but at least it was a beautiful, untamed country with the jagged line of the Carpathians dominating all.

"So….shouldn't we stop somewhere?" I began hesitantly, the first words spoke since this two hour drive had began. At least he took off that stupid hat to drive, damn thing is a safety hazard.

"What?" he said still doing his excellent imitation of a wall.

"Weddings have receptions. They have cake. You need to get me a cake….anything, something stupid…"You're a whale of a wife!" or something like that. I was once a cake decorator, it's a sin not to have cake at my own wedding!"

"This isn't a wedding." He hissed.

"You can't even let me have that! Shit you know I didn't exactly want this either! I say bring on Cthulhu!"

He actually glared back at me with his icy gaze. "You think that Cthulhu is just some glamorous Lovecraftian god, don't you? Just a giant cognitive octopus that will obey your commands because you are Victoria the great? It's nothing like that. Your soul would splinter at the mere sight of him."

I was somewhat shocked, I don't think I've ever heard him say so much at once before, "Since when does Nyarlathotep have the power to awaken Cthulhu! The Old Ones can't do that! His just bullshiting us!"

"I am not willing to risk facing up to a god. If taking a brat wife will prevent that from happening than so be it."

"Brat!" I raged, "I just wanted a goddamn wedding cake!"

"I don't eat."

"I didn't say for you!"

"Shut up."

"Don't talk to me like that! Where the hell are we going anyway?" I hissed.

"Nyarlathotep said we have to live together. I have a castle." He explained shortly.

I gasped in disbelief, "Your shitin' me! A CASTLE! Why the hell would you have a castle when all you do is roam about killing things?"

I never got an answer of course.

For at least another hour passed in silence, in which I pulled out my Ipod, curled up in the seat and listened to some depressing AFI songs until I noticed the battery was running low so I shut it off and stared sadly over at the frozen perfection at my side.

"Wow….this is some wedding. If it gets any livelier a funeral is going to break out."

I heard a strange hoarse cackling from the steering wheel, followed by an almost inaudible voice, 'Awww come on Pretty Boy, cheer up. At least she's funny and she has a nice ass."

"Thank you, Lefty!" I cried out in agreement. The voice I had heard belonged to something even freakier than D, the weird talking parasite/symboite thing that lived in his left hand. Nobody knew what the hell it was really. Most just called it Lefty.

"So…." I pressed again, "I am guessing that consummating this marriage is well out of the question."

"That's right." He replied evenly.

I could not deny the massive surge of disappointment that welled in my heart. "So, are you like…gay or something?"

"No." he answered low and dangerously.

"Then what? I mean you've never expressed interest in anyone. Well…you let the massive tittied Doris kiss you in book one, and you randomly gave Lina a flower in book two, but anything more than that and you practically run off screaming. What the hell? Are you a eunuch?"

"No." he answered again sibilantly.

"Well that's all I can figure…your either completely asexual and a 10,000 year old virgin, or else you've had so much sex your bored with it. You've probably done a transsexual midget in bathtub full of blood and razors."

At this the symboite was cackling but D was focusing extra hard to put me on ignore mode once again.

I was in pissed off mode however.

"You know somethin'….I don't understand what your fucking malfunction is. Waaaa….I am dhampir. I have the power of ten vampires and can walk in the sunlight. I've been alive for 10,000 years and life is so boring. Waaaaaa! Well ya know something _Dracula_, your Daddy Dearest doesn't do your moping about emotionless shit."

"Shut up!" he screamed in a sudden psychotic roar, then I felt a brilliant burst of pain explode across my left cheek that knocked me back against the window, I had only a second to realize that I'd been struck before the pain caused me to black out.

_Ugh….what a lovely way to start a marriage_. I thought when I came to, it took me a long moment to recall that the castle the car was parked at was now my own. It was set deep within the mountains, and was your typical fucking gorgeous medieval but modern style castle. I was alone in the car.

I clutched my throbbing check and stepped out, tossing away my dead rose.

Here it begins. My lovely life with "Sweeney Todd". By the Carpathians. Oh I know you'll hate it.


End file.
